Holding Space for the Unspoken: Infertility and National Infertility Awareness Week

By: Megan Cole, MSW, LCSW

 

Each April, National Infertility Awareness Week offers an opportunity to bring visibility to the deeply personal and often isolating experience of infertility. For over 11 years, my husband and I endured the emotional rollercoaster of infertility. It was one of the most profoundly lonely and difficult seasons of my life, and one that I am still working through. While we were one of the lucky ones and had the honor of becoming parents through adoption several years ago, the trauma and lingering pain of our infertility experience left deep scars.

Infertility affects millions of individuals and couples (as many as 1 in 8 women will experience infertility), yet it frequently remains hidden behind closed doors: wrapped in silence, stigma, and misunderstanding. As therapists, we see not only the medical and logistical challenges of infertility, but also the emotional weight it carries: grief, uncertainty, shame, anger, and longing. For many, infertility is not just a diagnosis, an ongoing loss of expectations, identity, and control. This week is about breaking that silence, fostering compassion, and reminding those affected that they are not alone.

Infertility can bring a complex mix of emotions that shift over time:

Grief and loss: For most people, it is just expected that when we are ready to grow our family, we will be able to do so easily—and most people are right. For those of us experiencing infertility however, the grief is profound: for the home full of children we now feel less certain we will get to have, for the emotional and financial stress of each unsuccessful cycle, and the heartbreak that what feels out of reach for us comes so easily to most everyone else.

Anxiety and uncertainty: Infertility means living in cycles of hope and disappointment each month: you find yourself analyzing lab results, ovulation charts, and every possibly symptom of early pregnancy during the “two week wait” after a treatment cycle. The roller-coaster is utterly exhausting month after month.

Shame or self-blame: For many women or couples experiencing infertility, feelings of embarrassment, shame, or blame are common. “I shouldn’t have waited so long to start trying,” or “I should’ve taken better care of my body,” or “My partner deserves someone who can give them children, not someone broken like me,” are all common thoughts for someone experiencing infertility.

Isolation: The experience of infertility can lead to feeling disconnected from friends, family, or peers who may not understand. To this day, going to the OB/GYN’s office for a routine follow-up is a difficult experience for me. Sitting in a lobby surrounding by glowing pregnant women, then getting put in a treatment room that is covered in pictures of babies that the doctors have delivered over the years, makes you feel like an outsider.

Strain on relationships: Watching others achieve what you long for most can trigger feelings of resentment and jealousy. The stress of infertility can also cause rifts in relationships between you and your partner as you both grapple to cope with the weight of the situation and find different ways to cope. When one partner wants to keep trying, and the other is ready to take a break or stop altogether, the impasse can mean the end of the relationship altogether.

Loss of privacy: Infertility treatments take privacy and intimacy out of conceiving a child, moving what was historically kept in the bedroom into a cold, clinical procedure room. When my husband and I were going through infertility treatments, there were a few treatment cycles that he was unable to accompany me to our implantation appointments. As I wasn’t allowed to drive after treatments, my mom was my companion for those appointments. I remember thinking how strange it would be to tell our hopeful future child that while his or her father wasn’t present at conception, their grandmother was!

It is important to remember that all of these feelings and emotions are normal. They are not signs of weakness—they are natural reactions to a deeply challenging experience.

                                                            Coping with Infertility: 

There is no “right” or "wrong" way to cope with infertility, but there are ways to support your emotional well-being through the process:

1.     Acknowledge your feelings: Give yourself permission to feel what you feel, without minimizing or rushing past it. Grief and hope can coexist. Journaling can be a great outlet for the deeper thoughts and feelings that you don’t know how (or don’t feel ready) to share with anyone else.

2.      Set boundaries around conversations or events: It’s okay to limit discussions about fertility, pregnancy, or family planning when they feel overwhelming. You can decide what, when, and with whom you share. It's okay to not attend baby showers, gender reveal parties, or other celebrations that are painful for you.

3.     Create space outside of infertility: When possible, engage in activities that remind you of who you are beyond this journey—exercise, hobbies, relationships, rest, or creative outlets can help you keep your mind focused and engaged outside of the constant anxiety spiral of infertility.  

4.     Be mindful of comparison triggers: Social media, pregnancy announcements, and well-meaning updates from others can be enormously painful, however unintentional. Curating your environment is an act of self-care, not avoidance.

5.     Strengthen communication with your partner (if applicable) You may cope differently, and that’s okay. Making space for each other’s experiences can reduce misunderstandings and increase connection.

6.      Seek support: Whether through therapy, support groups, or trusted individuals, having a place to process your experience can make a meaningful difference. One of the best resources I learned about during our infertility journey was RESOLVE: The National Infertility and Family Building Association. Learn more about this wonderful organization at www.resolve.org.

How to Support Someone Experiencing Infertility

If someone in your life is navigating infertility, your presence and genuine care matters more than having the “right” words.

Do:
- Listen without trying to fix
- Validate their feelings (“That sounds really hard”)
- Follow their lead on how much they want to share
- Check in consistently, not just during major updates

Avoid:

- Offering unsolicited advice or quick solutions is invalidating to someone going through infertility. Along this line, NEVER tell someone they should “just adopt.” Adoption is a deeply complex, expensive, and stressful process, and should never be used as a “cure” for infertility.

- Minimizing their experiences with statements beginning with: “At least…”, “It will happen when you relax,” or similar are not helpful, and diminishes the person’s pain.

- Comparing their experience to others. Telling a friend going through infertility you understand what they are going through because it took you three months to conceive naturally is not helpful. And we all have heard of someone who supposedly “stopped trying” or took some kind of supplement or alternative treatment and was able to get pregnant. Sharing these stories is not helpful.

- Pushing positivity when they’re expressing pain. Infertility is painful in a way that most people are fortunate not to be able to fully understand. Trying to tell someone to “just cheer up” is trying to eliminate your discomfort, not help them.

 Sometimes the most supportive thing you can say is: “I’m here with you in this.”

A Note on Compassion

Infertility challenges not only the body, but the heart and mind. It can disrupt identity, relationships, and a sense of control over one’s life path. During this awareness week, and beyond, we encourage a shift from silence to understanding. Whether you are experiencing infertility or supporting someone who is, compassion: both for yourself and others—is essential. You are allowed to take this one step, one day, one moment at a time.

If you or someone you know is struggling with the emotional impact of infertility, therapy can provide a supportive space to process, cope, and reconnect with a sense of steadiness in the midst of uncertainty. Reach out to the Ancora Compassionate Care Counseling Center to learn more about how Megan or Kristi can support you by calling (336) 427-9022, or you can email Megan Cole directly at mcole@ancoracc.org.