Grieving During the "Happiest" Time of Year
As the joke goes this time of year, Mariah Carey has been thawed out, and we starting to get inundated with the cheerful chorus of, “All I Want for Christmas is You,” on repeat on our car radios and every store we step inside. When all you want for your holiday season is more time with a loved one who has died, Mariah’s words, far from bringing Christmas cheer, just feel like a slap in the face.
Grieving is hard 365 days a year. Approaching the holidays, though, when it seems like everyone but you is feeling festive and cheerful, those sharp edges of grief seem to feel extra pointy. I have worked with Ancora (formerly Hospice of Rockingham County) since 2011. I have taught workshops most of those years about how to survive the holidays as a grieving person. I thought I knew exactly what to tell people to help them through.
Then my grandfather died in July of 2022 at the age of 90. Having battled COPD for many years, and under hospice care for a week before he died, his death was not at all unexpected, but our family was heartbroken by his loss. Just as the worst of the immediate grief of his loss began to ease, we were faced with getting through the holidays without him.
I have long counseled the folks I’ve worked with who are coping with grief during the holidays to give themselves permission to do whatever they felt would help them get through that first year. For some, that meant leaving an empty place setting at the table, symbolic of the person whose absence was so keenly felt. For others, it meant they abandoned the idea of a traditional holiday altogether and went somewhere warm and sunny to try and distract themselves. And, for a few, the holidays were a day to just stay cocooned under the covers, concentrating on the next deep breath. All of that is okay, I would assure them, if it’s what feels right to you.
And, honestly, I still stand by that advice—though, when it was my turn, I forgot my own wisdom. Instead of thinking about what worked for me, or talking to my family about ways to honor my grandfather at our holiday events, I stayed quiet. I think I was hoping that someone else would bring up how acutely his absence would be felt, and what we could do to remember him.
So, that year, Christmas 2022, we gathered as we always do. Very little was said about the enormous presence missing from the room, though the hugs seemed to last a little longer, the smiles tinged with sadness. My daughter, then three years old, was ecstatic about playing with her cousins and opening presents.
And me? As soon as we walked through the door, I realized I had made a huge mistake. I was not ready for this. Despite the warm greeting from the family who have supported me through every joy and every sorrow my entire life, I felt utterly alone and suddenly drowning in my grief. I tried to settle in, paste on my best fake smile (thank you, high school drama club), and not let everyone else see how close I was to breaking down.
Inevitably, something happened or was said (I honestly do not recall what) that broke my fragile facade. I could feel the grief cresting like a tidal wave, and I knew if I had to get away. I fled to a back bathroom where I knew I could fall apart for a few minutes without anyone noticing. I cried until my face was red and splotchy, my eyes so swollen I could barely see. In that moment, just a few steps from the people I love most in the world, I felt completely alone.
After a while, someone found me there. I was able to pull myself together long enough for my husband to gather our very confused and disappointed daughter and make a quick exit, my husband making our excuses while I snuck out before anyone saw how awful I looked. I just remember so many tears, so much pain, and missing my grandfather so, so much.
My beautiful, wonderful grandmother died in February of this year after a brief illness. As expected, over the past 9 months the grief has begun to ease a bit, but I know it will sharpen as the holidays approach. As our family plans our Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings this year, I am not going to make the same mistake again. I don’t know what it looks like quite yet, but I know that I will be true to myself and my grief and find a way to honor her—and my grandfather—during the holidays.
I share all of this to say, as you move into this holiday season, do not carry the weight of your grief alone. Let someone in. Whether it’s your family, a close friend, a pastor, or a therapist, you do not have to go through this by yourself. Give yourself permission and space to process, both on your own and with others. Sit with your memories, bittersweet as they feel.
Over the next few weeks, as holiday plans are being made, check in with yourself about you are feeling, and how you might want to spend this time. Ask yourself, or discuss with your loved ones:
· What were my loved one’s favorite holiday traditions? (Think special foods, decorations, songs, outings, etc)
· Am I ready to resume those traditions without him or her, or do I need to take a break this year?
· Do I want to be with people, or by myself on the holidays?
· Would I want to go to the usual parties I attended, or accept new invitations?
· Do I want to be home, at a loved one’s home, or somewhere entirely different?
· Are there rituals I would like to incorporate into my holidays to honor my person? (I will share a few examples of these.)
If you decide that you want to honor your loved one for the holidays, here are some ideas to build from:
· Hang a stocking with their name on it, and have everyone write cards or letters for the person and place them in the stocking. Decide as a family how you might want to symbolically “deliver” the mail to them.
· Get a small Christmas tree and decorate it with ornaments that belonged to the person, or that remind you of them: their hobbies, their careers, their favorite places, etc.
· Set a place setting them at the holiday table. Light a candle to set in the center of the plate.
· Go around the table and share a favorite memory of your loved one.
· Donate supplies or money, or volunteer your time at a charity that was meaningful to them.
Most importantly, take care of yourself. That might look like:
· Journaling your thoughts and feelings as you process the coming holidays and how different things will be this year.
· Listening to music play list that helps brighten your spirits, or that helps you get the tears out when you need an emotional release.
· Moving your body: a walk in the park, a vigorous workout, or gentle yoga--whatever you can do to keep your body strong helps keep your mind strong, too.
· Reaching out to those who love you. There is an old saying, “Grief shared is halved.” Seek out people that you can share your memories and your grief with. Laugh and cry together.
· If you don’t have people in your life you feel you can open to, reach out to a therapist for support. They will listen and help you process your thoughts and feelings in a safe, non-judgmental space.
If you would like to schedule an appointment with a therapist at the Ancora Compassionate Care Counseling Center, please call (336) 427-9022 and ask for someone in our intake department. We see clients in person and virtually, and accept most major insurance plans, including Medicare and managed Medicare plans.
Wishing everyone peace and comfort as we move through the holiday season ahead.
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