Your Mid-Year Mental Health Checkup

By Megan Cole, MSW, LCSW
Director of Counseling Services
Ancora Compassionate Care Counseling Center

As summer arrives, many of us naturally take stock of the progress we've made so far during the year. The pace of life may slow down a bit, our routines may shift, and there may be more opportunities to pause and reflect. While we often schedule annual physicals to check on our physical health, summer can also be a great time for a mental health checkup.

Taking time to notice how you're doing emotionally can help you identify areas that may need your focus and attention before stress, burnout, anxiety, or depression become overwhelming. 

Looking Back

Think back to the New Year. What hopes, goals, or intentions did you set for yourself? How have things gone so far?

Maybe you've accomplished more than you give yourself credit for. Perhaps you've faced unexpected challenges, losses, or transitions. Life rarely unfolds exactly as planned, and that's okay. Rather than focusing on what hasn't happened yet, consider what you've learned and how you've grown.

Ask yourself:

• How have I been feeling emotionally over the past few months?
• What has been going well?
• What has been especially stressful or challenging?
• Have I been taking care of my physical and emotional needs?
• What am I proud of?

 Check In With Your Stress Level

Stress is a normal part of life, but when it becomes constant, it can affect our mood, relationships, sleep, concentration, and overall well-being.

Take a moment to consider:

• Am I feeling overwhelmed more often than not?
• Have I been more irritable, anxious, or withdrawn lately?
• Do I have healthy ways to cope with stress?
• Am I making time for rest and activities that bring me joy?

Sometimes we become so accustomed to carrying stress that we forget how heavy it has become. A simple check-in can help us recognize when it's time to seek additional support.

 Making Space for What You Need

A mental health checkup isn't about judging yourself for what you haven’t done, or creating yet another to-do list. It's about becoming more aware of your needs, and responding to them with kindness and self-compassion.

As you look toward the second half of the year, ask yourself:

• What do I need more of in my life?
• What do I need less of?
• What boundaries would support my well-being?
• What would help me feel more balanced and connected?

Even small changes can make a meaningful difference in your mental health. Sometimes that means prioritizing rest, reconnecting with supportive people, spending more time outdoors, adding in some gentle, regular exercise, being mindful of staying hydrated and eating healthy meals, practicing self-compassion, or seeking professional support.

 Therapy Can Be Part of Your Mental Health Checkup

Many people think therapy is only for times of crisis. In reality, though, therapy can be a valuable space for reflection, growth, and self-care at any stage of life. Working with a therapist can help you process stress and hard times in life without reaching a crisis point.

Whether you're navigating anxiety, depression, relationship challenges, grief, stress, self-esteem concerns, or simply feeling “stuck,” therapy can help you better understand yourself and develop tools to move forward. 

This summer, consider giving yourself the same care and attention you would offer a good friend. Your mental health matters, and checking in with yourself is an important step toward living a healthier, more balanced life.

Ready for your mental health checkup?

Contact us today to learn more about therapy services and schedule a free, 15-minute consultation with Megan Cole, LCSW, or Kristi Rakes, LCSW.

(336) 427-9022

www.ancoracc.org/counseling-center

Or you can email Megan or Kristi directly:
Megan: mcole@ancoracc.org
Kristi: krakes@ancoracc.org

 

Holding Space for the Unspoken: Infertility and National Infertility Awareness Week

By: Megan Cole, MSW, LCSW

 

Each April, National Infertility Awareness Week offers an opportunity to bring visibility to the deeply personal and often isolating experience of infertility. For over 11 years, my husband and I endured the emotional rollercoaster of infertility. It was one of the most profoundly lonely and difficult seasons of my life, and one that I am still working through. While we were one of the lucky ones and had the honor of becoming parents through adoption several years ago, the trauma and lingering pain of our infertility experience left deep scars.

Infertility affects millions of individuals and couples (as many as 1 in 8 women will experience infertility), yet it frequently remains hidden behind closed doors: wrapped in silence, stigma, and misunderstanding. As therapists, we see not only the medical and logistical challenges of infertility, but also the emotional weight it carries: grief, uncertainty, shame, anger, and longing. For many, infertility is not just a diagnosis, an ongoing loss of expectations, identity, and control. This week is about breaking that silence, fostering compassion, and reminding those affected that they are not alone.

Infertility can bring a complex mix of emotions that shift over time:

Grief and loss: For most people, it is just expected that when we are ready to grow our family, we will be able to do so easily—and most people are right. For those of us experiencing infertility however, the grief is profound: for the home full of children we now feel less certain we will get to have, for the emotional and financial stress of each unsuccessful cycle, and the heartbreak that what feels out of reach for us comes so easily to most everyone else.

Anxiety and uncertainty: Infertility means living in cycles of hope and disappointment each month: you find yourself analyzing lab results, ovulation charts, and every possibly symptom of early pregnancy during the “two week wait” after a treatment cycle. The roller-coaster is utterly exhausting month after month.

Shame or self-blame: For many women or couples experiencing infertility, feelings of embarrassment, shame, or blame are common. “I shouldn’t have waited so long to start trying,” or “I should’ve taken better care of my body,” or “My partner deserves someone who can give them children, not someone broken like me,” are all common thoughts for someone experiencing infertility.

Isolation: The experience of infertility can lead to feeling disconnected from friends, family, or peers who may not understand. To this day, going to the OB/GYN’s office for a routine follow-up is a difficult experience for me. Sitting in a lobby surrounding by glowing pregnant women, then getting put in a treatment room that is covered in pictures of babies that the doctors have delivered over the years, makes you feel like an outsider.

Strain on relationships: Watching others achieve what you long for most can trigger feelings of resentment and jealousy. The stress of infertility can also cause rifts in relationships between you and your partner as you both grapple to cope with the weight of the situation and find different ways to cope. When one partner wants to keep trying, and the other is ready to take a break or stop altogether, the impasse can mean the end of the relationship altogether.

Loss of privacy: Infertility treatments take privacy and intimacy out of conceiving a child, moving what was historically kept in the bedroom into a cold, clinical procedure room. When my husband and I were going through infertility treatments, there were a few treatment cycles that he was unable to accompany me to our implantation appointments. As I wasn’t allowed to drive after treatments, my mom was my companion for those appointments. I remember thinking how strange it would be to tell our hopeful future child that while his or her father wasn’t present at conception, their grandmother was!

It is important to remember that all of these feelings and emotions are normal. They are not signs of weakness—they are natural reactions to a deeply challenging experience.

                                                            Coping with Infertility: 

There is no “right” or "wrong" way to cope with infertility, but there are ways to support your emotional well-being through the process:

1.     Acknowledge your feelings: Give yourself permission to feel what you feel, without minimizing or rushing past it. Grief and hope can coexist. Journaling can be a great outlet for the deeper thoughts and feelings that you don’t know how (or don’t feel ready) to share with anyone else.

2.      Set boundaries around conversations or events: It’s okay to limit discussions about fertility, pregnancy, or family planning when they feel overwhelming. You can decide what, when, and with whom you share. It's okay to not attend baby showers, gender reveal parties, or other celebrations that are painful for you.

3.     Create space outside of infertility: When possible, engage in activities that remind you of who you are beyond this journey—exercise, hobbies, relationships, rest, or creative outlets can help you keep your mind focused and engaged outside of the constant anxiety spiral of infertility.  

4.     Be mindful of comparison triggers: Social media, pregnancy announcements, and well-meaning updates from others can be enormously painful, however unintentional. Curating your environment is an act of self-care, not avoidance.

5.     Strengthen communication with your partner (if applicable) You may cope differently, and that’s okay. Making space for each other’s experiences can reduce misunderstandings and increase connection.

6.      Seek support: Whether through therapy, support groups, or trusted individuals, having a place to process your experience can make a meaningful difference. One of the best resources I learned about during our infertility journey was RESOLVE: The National Infertility and Family Building Association. Learn more about this wonderful organization at www.resolve.org.

How to Support Someone Experiencing Infertility

If someone in your life is navigating infertility, your presence and genuine care matters more than having the “right” words.

Do:
- Listen without trying to fix
- Validate their feelings (“That sounds really hard”)
- Follow their lead on how much they want to share
- Check in consistently, not just during major updates

Avoid:

- Offering unsolicited advice or quick solutions is invalidating to someone going through infertility. Along this line, NEVER tell someone they should “just adopt.” Adoption is a deeply complex, expensive, and stressful process, and should never be used as a “cure” for infertility.

- Minimizing their experiences with statements beginning with: “At least…”, “It will happen when you relax,” or similar are not helpful, and diminishes the person’s pain.

- Comparing their experience to others. Telling a friend going through infertility you understand what they are going through because it took you three months to conceive naturally is not helpful. And we all have heard of someone who supposedly “stopped trying” or took some kind of supplement or alternative treatment and was able to get pregnant. Sharing these stories is not helpful.

- Pushing positivity when they’re expressing pain. Infertility is painful in a way that most people are fortunate not to be able to fully understand. Trying to tell someone to “just cheer up” is trying to eliminate your discomfort, not help them.

 Sometimes the most supportive thing you can say is: “I’m here with you in this.”

A Note on Compassion

Infertility challenges not only the body, but the heart and mind. It can disrupt identity, relationships, and a sense of control over one’s life path. During this awareness week, and beyond, we encourage a shift from silence to understanding. Whether you are experiencing infertility or supporting someone who is, compassion: both for yourself and others—is essential. You are allowed to take this one step, one day, one moment at a time.

If you or someone you know is struggling with the emotional impact of infertility, therapy can provide a supportive space to process, cope, and reconnect with a sense of steadiness in the midst of uncertainty. Reach out to the Ancora Compassionate Care Counseling Center to learn more about how Megan or Kristi can support you by calling (336) 427-9022, or you can email Megan Cole directly at mcole@ancoracc.org.

 

Fresh Air, Fresh Perspective: Mindfulness Activities for Spring

By Megan Cole, MSW, LCSW

I think it’s pretty safe to say that after what felt like an unusually long, cold, and heavy winter, most of us have been welcoming the first signs of the coming Spring with joyful anticipation—I know I have!

Over the past few weeks my family has made the most out of the longer evening daylight. Picnic suppers outside, getting pansies planted and the first weeds pulled up, checking out the birds showing back up at our feeders, and seeing little bits of color appear on the trees and ground where things are coming back to life, have buoyed our spirits. With all these little changes, I’m noticing subtle shifts in my mood, and that of those around me. People are smiling more, as if these warm, sunny days have refilled our social batteries again.

Springtime gives us a gentle nudge to “wake up” after the harsh winter months. For many people, it can also be a time for personal reflection and growth, encouraging us to slow down, step outside, and reconnect with ourselves and the world around us. Mindfulness is one powerful way to do just that: by paying attention to the very moment in which we are sitting, experiencing it with openness and curiosity, we are able to create a space where we can really attune to how we feel, what we need, and what changes in our lives might be needed to support our growth and wellbeing.

Sound complicated? Don't worry, it’s truly not. For example, this weekend I took my six-year-old daughter for a short hike at Haw River State Park. As we walked, we engaged in a “Color Walk,” where we tried to look for spots of every color of the rainbow along the trail. In a sea of shades of brown and gray, we made a point to notice small pops of color: green bushes and tree buds, tiny purple violets, pink redbud tree blossoms, delicate red leaves of a plant barely peeking out of the earth, and the bright blue sky.  No long meditation session or special equipment needed, we were simply present, and engaged in mindful, gentle connection with the natural beauty of the world around us.

If going for a hike doesn’t appeal to you, or isn’t possible for health reasons, there are still lots of ways you can incorporate mindfulness exercises into your time outside this Spring! The Color Walk can be adapted so that it’s done just sitting quietly, gazing at the area around you, rather than moving around. Think of any mindfulness activity as "giving your brain a bath," where you are washing out the stress, frustration, and heaviness, and feeling cleansed and refreshed afterward. 

Here are a few ideas you can try: 

1. Engage your Five Senses
Whether out for a walk, or sitting in a rocking chair on the porch, pause to notice:

• 5 things you can see (fresh blooms, shifting clouds, sunlight through the trees)
• 4 things you can feel (a breeze, the ground under your feet, warmth of the sun)
• 3 things you can hear (birds, distant traffic, rustling leaves, children playing)
• 2 things you can smell (flowers, fresh cut grass, rain in the air)
• 1 thing you can taste (even just noticing your breath or a sip of water)

This simple exercise can gently anchor you in the present moment, clearing out the stress and worry you have been carrying.

2. Sit and Soak It In
Find a comfortable spot—on a bench, a blanket, or even your front steps. Give yourself permission to just sit for a few minutes. Notice how your body feels. Let your shoulders drop. Allow your breath to slow naturally.

You don’t have to “clear your mind.” Just observe what comes and goes, like clouds drifting by, a squirrel running across the grass, or the sway of tree branches in the breeze.

3. Mindful Breathing with Nature
Try syncing your breath with something in your surroundings. You might:

• Inhale as the wind picks up, exhale as it settles
• Breathe in while watching a tree sway, breathe out as it returns still
• Match your breath to your steps if you’re walking
• Let nature set the pace, rather than forcing your breath into a pattern.

4. Notice New Life
Spring is full of small changes: buds opening, grass growing, birds returning. Take a moment to focus on one small detail you might normally overlook. Spend a minute or two observing it closely. This kind of focused attention can help quiet the noise of everyday stress.

5. Gentle Grounding
If it feels comfortable, try standing barefoot on grass or simply placing your hands on the trunk of a tree. Notice the connection between your body and the earth. This can be a simple way to feel more centered and physically present.

 

6. Leave Your Phone Behind (or Use It Intentionally)
If you can, step outside without distractions. If you must bring your phone, consider using it with intention: perhaps to take a single photo of something meaningful, rather than scrolling or texting. Focus on what feels comfortable and natural, not what would make for a good Facebook or Instagram post. Just for a few minutes, leave the world behind and just enjoy your surroundings.

As you move into the Spring season, remember that lasting, meaningful change often begins with small, intentional moments of self-care. Stepping outside, slowing your pace, and gently tuning into your surroundings can have a powerful impact on your overall well-being.

If you find yourself wanting more support in building these healthy habits or navigating life’s challenges, therapy can be a helpful space to deepen that work. We are here to support you in creating sustainable, positive changes—both in and outside the therapy room. Even the smallest shifts can lead to lasting growth, and you don’t have to do it alone.

Reach out today by calling the Counseling Center at (336) 427-9022. We are accepting new clients for in-person and telehealth sessions and are in-network with most major insurance providers. 

 

The Things You’ve Wondered About Therapy, But Were Afraid to Ask

by Megan Cole, MSW, LCSW

Have you ever wondered what goes on in a therapist’s mind while you share your deepest thoughts and feelings?
Do you worry we might judge you?
Do you wonder if we ever think about you after you stop coming to sessions?

I can’t speak for every therapist. But I’m happy to give you a peek inside my head. Here are some common questions I hear — and my honest answers.

 

Will my therapist judge me?

No. Truly, no.

You may have seen the popular online videos where people say, “We listen, and we don’t judge,” as they go around and share their most embarrassing stories with each other.

That really is the heart of therapy. We listen. We do not judge.

My job is not to decide if what you think or feel is right or wrong. My job is to understand what’s going on and help you work through it.

I never want you to feel like you have to filter yourself. Therapy works best when you can show up as your real, honest self.

And honestly? Most therapists are harder on themselves than they are on their clients. We care deeply. We want to help. And sometimes we worry we aren’t doing enough when change feels slow.

 

Do I have to share everything right away?

No.

In fact, I encourage clients to go at their own pace. If we start talking about something and you feel uncomfortable, you can say so. We can slow down. We can shift.

The last thing I want is for you to leave a session feeling like you shared too much before you were ready.

Some people feel ready to open up quickly. Others take more time. Both are okay!

If it takes weeks or even months before you feel fully comfortable, that’s just fine. We build trust over time. I’m ready when you are.

 

What if I don’t know what to talk about?

That’s okay.

This is therapy, not a speech. You don’t have to prepare ahead of time. You don’t need perfect words.

Some days the words will spill out; other days, you may not know where to start. Sometimes you might even say, “It was a pretty good week.”

All of that is normal.

If you feel stuck, I may ask gentle questions like:

• “What’s been on your mind the most lately?”
• “What’s felt different this week?”
• “What would make today’s session helpful for you?”

And remember — this is your time. If I ask about something you’re not ready to talk about, you can say that. We can always come back to it later.

 
What if I cry?

You probably will cry at some point. And that’s okay.

Many people cry in their very first session. After carrying so much for so long, being in a quiet and safe space can bring up big feelings.

Nothing bad will happen if you cry.

I won’t tell you to stop. I won’t rush you. I won’t try to distract you.

I’ll sit with you. I’ll give you space. And when you’re ready, we’ll talk about what came up.

Sometimes I may even tear up with you. Therapists are human, too. When you’re hurting, we feel that with you.

 

What if my problems aren’t “bad enough”?

If something is affecting your sleep, your mood, your relationships, your work, or your peace of mind, it matters, and you deserve to feel better.

You do not have to be in a crisis to come to therapy.

If you’ve ever thought, “Maybe I should talk to someone,” that’s reason enough.

 

What if I don’t like my therapist?

The connection between you and your therapist matters a lot.

If you don’t feel safe or understood, therapy won’t feel helpful.

I sometimes tell clients to think of the first session like a first “date,” or an interview, where you are the hiring manager.  Sometimes it feels like a good fit. Sometimes it doesn’t.

If it doesn’t, that’s okay! You are allowed (and encouraged!) to keep looking.

The right therapist will want you to find support that feels good and safe- even if that isn’t with them.

If you’ve been wondering about starting therapy but felt unsure about reaching out, I hope this helped ease some of those worries. Therapy doesn’t have to feel scary or overwhelming. It can be a quiet, steady place to sort through what’s heavy and help you find your footing again. If you’d like to learn more or see if we might be a good fit, I’d be honored to connect with you. You don’t have to figure it all out alone.

You can reach us at the Ancora Compassionate Counseling Center by calling (336) 427-9022 or emailing me at mcole@ancoracc.org. Kristi Rakes, LCSW, and I are both accepting new clients, are in network with Medicare, managed Medicare, and most major commercial insurance plans, and are available to see clients in person or virtually. 

 

Reflections on a Snow Day (or 10…)

 by Megan Cole, MSW, LCSW

In the South, we aren’t used to getting the snow and ice that has battered our region the past two weeks. We simply don’t have the infrastructure to clear roads, parking lots, and driveways quickly and efficiently like they do in snowier parts of the country. Around here, when we get big winter storms (well, let’s be honest, even little ones), everything grinds nearly to a halt for at least a day or two.

Like most parents in the area, I have spent the better part of the past 10 days trying to keep my 6-year-old occupied. We’ve played all the board games, watched all the kids’ movies, eaten all our snow snacks, consumed gallons of hot chocolate, and read books until we’re cross-eyed. There have been moments when I was ready to go plow the backroads myself so that schools could reopen and we could get back to our regular schedules!

But, in the midst of trying to balance working from home with my husband (which I am so fortunate to be able to do on snow days), keep our daughter occupied, and make sure the dogs are getting enough exercise, there have been a few lessons I’ve learned that I hope to carry forward into the years ahead, and teach to my daughter as she grows and is able to understand.

Take time to notice the little things. During this most recent storm, I made sure we stocked up on birdseed and filled our feeders. I loved watching the chickadees, cardinals, and tufted titmice visit the feeder while the snow swirled around them. I’ve marveled at their tiny little footprints in the snow where they’ve hopped around. The porchlight shining on the snow as it fell at night looked like silver glitter. It was indescribably beautiful. And the blessed, perfect silence of the snow as it falls: no traffic sounds, no dogs barking, no airplanes—just the quiet. Taking time to really observe the beauty around us, and engaging all 5 senses in the experience, grounds us in a mental space that is calm and centered.

 

Give yourself permission to slow down. In the wintertime, most animals slow down, and some go into hibernation until the weather warms. With shorter days and colder weather, the world seems to be urging us to do the same, especially when snow closes work and school. Let yourself rest a little more. Linger under the covers a bit longer in the morning, or snuggle up in bed with a good book a little earlier at night. Put the phone away, and read a book or work a puzzle. Prioritize the invitations you accept so that your focus and energy are being spent on the people, places, and things that mean the most.

Spend some time with your inner child. One of the things I find most rewarding about parenting is getting to see the wonder and joy in my daughter’s face when she experiences something new, even something simple. Watching her build a snowman, slide down her snow-covered slide on her backyard playground, and make snow angels has brought back so many happy memories of my own childhood. On snow days, spend some time recalling your own beloved snow day memories. Consider writing some of them down in your journal.

 

Reach out for connection. In my house, snow days are often quite chaotic, but for others, especially those who live alone, are elderly or disabled, these days may be profoundly lonely. Check in on your family members, friends, and neighbors. Even a quick phone call or text message has the power to lift their spirits (and yours). If you live alone and are starting to feel the effects of one too many days at home, don’t be embarrassed to be the one to reach out first. Humans are wired for connection to others. Admitting that you are lonely is never a sign of weakness.

 

During the Winter, the trees, plants, and animals around us all rest and prepare for the warmth and burst of growth that occurs with the return of Spring. For humans, the Wintertime can likewise be a period of introspection, of rest, and inner growth and development. Being attuned to the simple beauties of the natural world, taking time to slow down and care for ourselves, taking a trip down memory lane, and connecting to the people and activities that mean the most can help boost our spirits—and our energy.  

If you are having trouble finding moments of peace and connection during this Winter season, reach out to the Ancora Compassionate Care Counseling Center. We offer sessions in person or via our HIPAA-compliant Zoom platform, to help you set and achieve your mental health and wellness goals. We accept Medicare, managed Medicare, and most commercial insurance plans, and offer a sliding scale for individuals who are uninsured or underinsured. We’re here when you’re ready. To refer yourself or a loved one, call (336) 427-9022, and ask to speak with someone in Counseling Center intake.

 

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD):
Why Winter Feels Hard, & What May Help

During the short, cold days of winter, many people notice big changes in their mood and energy. If you’ve been feeling more tired, sad, or unmotivated over the past couple of months, you may be experiencing Seasonal Affective Disorder, also called SAD.

What Is Seasonal Affective Disorder?

Seasonal Affective Disorder is a type of depression that comes and goes with the seasons. It most often starts in the fall or winter, and begins to improve in the spring.

While many people experience mild "winter blues," SAD is more intense and lasts longer. For example, winter blues might mean feeling a little less motivated or annoyed when it gets dark early, but you can still enjoy activities and keep up with daily responsibilities.

With SAD, symptoms often affect everyday life. Someone with SAD may struggle to get out of bed, feel down or hopeless most days, cancel plans they usually enjoy, or have a hard time concentrating at work or school. The key difference is how strong symptoms are, and how much they interfere with daily life. If the mood changes feel heavy, persistent, and hard to shake, it may be more than just winter blues. The good news is that SAD is treatable, and there are steps you can take to feel better.

 Common symptoms of SAD include:
- Feeling sad or down most days
- Low energy, or feeling tired much the time
- Sleeping more than usual
- Changes in appetite, especially craving carbs or sweets
- Trouble focusing or staying motivated
- Wanting to pull away from others

Sound familiar? If so, read on! Here are 7 simple, effective ways to combat seasonal depression:

1. Get More Light: Sunlight helps to regulate our mood. Try to spend time outside during daylight hours, even on cloudy days. Sitting near a window can also help. Some people benefit from daylight therapy lamps.

2. Keep a Routine: Going to bed and waking up at the same time each day can improve sleep and energy. A steady routine helps your body and brain feel more balanced.

3. Stay Active: Movement boosts mood. You do not need intense workouts: walking, stretching, or gentle yoga can make a difference. Aim for a little movement most days.

4. Stay Connected: It can be tempting to isolate yourself, but staying in touch with others matters. Try texting a friend, making a phone call, or meeting someone for coffee.

5. Eat Regular, Balanced Meals: Eating regular meals with protein, fruits, and vegetables helps keep blood sugar steady and supports your mood. Be gentle with yourself around those cravings.

6. Practice Self-Compassion: SAD is not a personal failure or defect. Remind yourself that your body is responding to seasonal changes. Small steps still count!

7. Consider Therapy: Talking with a therapist can help you understand your symptoms, build coping tools, and feel less alone. Therapy is especially helpful if symptoms are affecting you at work, within your relationships, or other aspects of your daily life.

When to Seek Extra Help
If your symptoms feel overwhelming, last most of the day, or include thoughts of hopelessness, it is important to reach out for professional support. Help is available, and you do not have to manage this alone.

If you would like additional support during the winter months, we are here to help! Reach out to Ancora Compassionate Care Counseling Center by calling (336) 427-9022 or visiting the Counseling Center website for more information.

For more information, visit:

National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH): Seasonal Affective Disorder
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/seasonal-affective-disorder

American Psychiatric Association (APA): What Is Seasonal Depression? https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/depression/what-is-depression/seasonal-depression

Mayo Clinic: Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD):
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20364651

 

Grieving During the "Happiest" Time of Year

by Megan Cole, MSW, LCSW, Director of Counseling Services, Ancora Compassionate Care

As the joke goes this time of year, Mariah Carey has been thawed out, and we starting to get inundated with the cheerful chorus of, “All I Want for Christmas is You,” on repeat on our car radios and every store we step inside. When all you want for your holiday season is more time with a loved one who has died, Mariah’s words, far from bringing Christmas cheer, just feel like a slap in the face.

Grieving is hard 365 days a year. Approaching the holidays, though, when it seems like everyone but you is feeling festive and cheerful, those sharp edges of grief seem to feel extra pointy. I have worked with Ancora (formerly Hospice of Rockingham County) since 2011. I have taught workshops most of those years about how to survive the holidays as a grieving person. I thought I knew exactly what to tell people to help them through.

Then my grandfather died in July of 2022 at the age of 90. Having battled COPD for many years, and under hospice care for a week before he died, his death was not at all unexpected, but our family was heartbroken by his loss. Just as the worst of the immediate grief of his loss began to ease, we were faced with getting through the holidays without him.

I have long counseled the folks I’ve worked with who are coping with grief during the holidays to give themselves permission to do whatever they felt would help them get through that first year. For some, that meant leaving an empty place setting at the table, symbolic of the person whose absence was so keenly felt. For others, it meant they abandoned the idea of a traditional holiday altogether and went somewhere warm and sunny to try and distract themselves. And, for a few, the holidays were a day to just stay cocooned under the covers, concentrating on the next deep breath. All of that is okay, I would assure them, if it’s what feels right to you.

And, honestly, I still stand by that advice—though, when it was my turn, I forgot my own wisdom. Instead of thinking about what worked for me, or talking to my family about ways to honor my grandfather at our holiday events, I stayed quiet. I think I was hoping that someone else would bring up how acutely his absence would be felt, and what we could do to remember him.

So, that year, Christmas 2022, we gathered as we always do. Very little was said about the enormous presence missing from the room, though the hugs seemed to last a little longer, the smiles tinged with sadness. My daughter, then three years old, was ecstatic about playing with her cousins and opening presents.

And me? As soon as we walked through the door, I realized I had made a huge mistake. I was not ready for this. Despite the warm greeting from the family who have supported me through every joy and every sorrow my entire life, I felt utterly alone and suddenly drowning in my grief. I tried to settle in, paste on my best fake smile (thank you, high school drama club), and not let everyone else see how close I was to breaking down.

Inevitably, something happened or was said (I honestly do not recall what) that broke my fragile facade. I could feel the grief cresting like a tidal wave, and I knew if I had to get away. I fled to a back bathroom where I knew I could fall apart for a few minutes without anyone noticing. I cried until my face was red and splotchy, my eyes so swollen I could barely see. In that moment, just a few steps from the people I love most in the world, I felt completely alone.

After a while, someone found me there. I was able to pull myself together long enough for my husband to gather our very confused and disappointed daughter and make a quick exit, my husband making our excuses while I snuck out before anyone saw how awful I looked. I just remember so many tears, so much pain, and missing my grandfather so, so much.

My beautiful, wonderful grandmother died in February of this year after a brief illness. As expected, over the past 9 months the grief has begun to ease a bit, but I know it will sharpen as the holidays approach. As our family plans our Thanksgiving and Christmas gatherings this year, I am not going to make the same mistake again. I don’t know what it looks like quite yet, but I know that I will be true to myself and my grief and find a way to honor her—and my grandfather—during the holidays.

I share all of this to say, as you move into this holiday season, do not carry the weight of your grief alone. Let someone in. Whether it’s your family, a close friend, a pastor, or a therapist, you do not have to go through this by yourself. Give yourself permission and space to process, both on your own and with others. Sit with your memories, bittersweet as they feel.

Over the next few weeks, as holiday plans are being made, check in with yourself about you are feeling, and how you might want to spend this time. Ask yourself, or discuss with your loved ones:

· What were my loved one’s favorite holiday traditions? (Think special foods, decorations, songs, outings, etc)

· Am I ready to resume those traditions without him or her, or do I need to take a break this year?

· Do I want to be with people, or by myself on the holidays?

· Would I want to go to the usual parties I attended, or accept new invitations?

· Do I want to be home, at a loved one’s home, or somewhere entirely different?

· Are there rituals I would like to incorporate into my holidays to honor my person? (I will share a few examples of these.)

If you decide that you want to honor your loved one for the holidays, here are some ideas to build from:

· Hang a stocking with their name on it, and have everyone write cards or letters for the person and place them in the stocking. Decide as a family how you might want to symbolically “deliver” the mail to them.

· Get a small Christmas tree and decorate it with ornaments that belonged to the person, or that remind you of them: their hobbies, their careers, their favorite places, etc.

· Set a place setting them at the holiday table. Light a candle to set in the center of the plate.

· Go around the table and share a favorite memory of your loved one.

· Donate supplies or money, or volunteer your time at a charity that was meaningful to them.

Most importantly, take care of yourself. That might look like:

· Journaling your thoughts and feelings as you process the coming holidays and how different things will be this year.

· Listening to music play list that helps brighten your spirits, or that helps you get the tears out when you need an emotional release.

· Moving your body: a walk in the park, a vigorous workout, or gentle yoga--whatever you can do to keep your body strong helps keep your mind strong, too.

· Reaching out to those who love you. There is an old saying, “Grief shared is halved.” Seek out people that you can share your memories and your grief with. Laugh and cry together.

· If you don’t have people in your life you feel you can open to, reach out to a therapist for support. They will listen and help you process your thoughts and feelings in a safe, non-judgmental space.

If you would like to schedule an appointment with a therapist at the Ancora Compassionate Care Counseling Center, please call (336) 427-9022 and ask for someone in our intake department. We see clients in person and virtually, and accept most major insurance plans, including Medicare and managed Medicare plans.

Wishing everyone peace and comfort as we move through the holiday season ahead.